On Tuesday I leave to start a 2.5 month solo travel down to southern Italy, across the middle, to Rome and then to Manchester, England. Really, this next chapter of my life has been brought on by a series of coincidences, not on a year of savings or planning. It's funny like that. Saying yes to yourself can bring abundance in your life.
It's the first time I realized that I will be on my own for so long in a continuous state of moment.
It's the first time I realized how much shit I've accumulated over the last year and a half. Shoes, shirts, sweaters… where did it all come from? It all seemed very necessary at the time. Now I have the arduous task of donating 10kg of random stuff. I can only take 15kg with me.
I look at my collection of books, knowing that they have to be the first to go. I'm sorry, my friends who spent their hard earned money so that I could delight in words for my birthday. I look at my collection of scarves and hats which, though they've served me well, won't protect me from a fierce Canadian winter.
I feel compelled to keep everything. I cling to every piece of fabric because I have such guilt about wasting it. Wasting what? If I give my sweaters to a homeless person is it a waste? Have I thrown out my friends gift? Their love?
Things are an expression of feelings - they are not feelings. I won't let the love of my friends go if I have to let their gifts go. I haven't wasted anything in the end.
I think we cling to things to remind us of our feelings, but our feelings are always there. We can tap into them at any time. Right now I'm feeling sad because I know that I have to say goodbye to some amazing people; this time I'm not saying goodbye because I've suffered an injustice (like breaking up with an ex), but because it's right for me to move on. So, in fact, I'm not sad.
In fact, I'm elated.
I finally have understood the difference between doing something out of fear and hurt, and doing something out of love for myself. When you love yourself you have more energy to love other people. You have clear energy. You can pass it on and it grows.
So I'm passing it on Torino. Ciao.
