#4 Change

There are a few things in this word that I love more than my bed.  Maybe freshly washed sheets, my comforter, my faded red sheets and my cozy pj's.  I am a homebody.  I like to hide my head under the covers and sleep life away.  I will sleep for hours sometimes, content to live in a complex dream world.

Pisces.

I am a big believer of ebbs and flows.  You see this in shopping malls all the time.  The mad rush of people all clamouring to get around the corner in Ikea and then nothing.  Open space.  My Ikea strategy is the same as my life strategy: find a cozy bed in the corner, hop on it, and wait out the storm.

There is a storm coming.

A few years ago I recognized this storm.  I was working at job that was going through a lot of change, at a time where everyone in the world decided that they needed to see around the other side of the corner.  I hid. I thought, "This is someone else's journey, this has nothing to do with me. I will just stay here with my head under the covers.  The storm will pass and I will be left untouched."

The storm came and tore me apart.

I call those the awful years. I did a lot of things in the years that followed to put myself back together. I thought that if I was more of a complete person, change couldn't hurt me ever again. I was wrong. Change isn't the rain.  You can't just hide under the umbrella when it comes for you.  Change is a virus.  It starts small, a handshake in the hallway, laughter over your meal. It picks up steam by taking people that you love away from your workplace (and onto bigger and better things).

It gets to you from outside your skin and inside your bones.

I've had a lot of fun these last few years. I do feel like more of a complete person. I feel more secure. But I'm not caviler about it as I once was. I know that this has nothing to do with how prepared I am.  Rather, the outcome of my experiances will be determined by how fast I get on board.

#3 Share Feelings in Good and Bad Times

People get tattoos every day.  They get massive tigers and lions on their arms, or skulls across their backs, or faith marked into their wrist.  All mothers cringe and all fathers sigh.

People get married every day. They choose someone that means something to them. Bright and colourful and taking a stand for love.  All mothers cringe and all fathers sigh.

People cross roads every day.  They wait patiently for the cars to go by so that they can dart across the street. I lost a shoe crossing the road today.  It was too small for me anyway.

People think of metaphors everyday.  Depending on how they are feeling, someone can see a plastic bag flowing in the air and think that life is beautiful. Not I.

People love every day.  They have something inside them that calls longingly, hauntingly. Decisions are made in the haste of the moment not the journey.  Delightful.

What prize do you win at the very end?

Those carnival prizes are only worth their weight in promise. You only ask for the prize at the top because of how it looks compared to the other prizes.

Except that I don't.  I go for the elephant.  Bright grey and old soul.

Haiku.

#2 Do Something.

If God came to you at 6 years old and told you that your purpose in life was to be an architect, would you immediately beg your parents only for Legos? Would you not waste time with childish things like water fights as they did not pertain to architecture? Would you never buy a fantastic pair of heels that didn't fit and wear them once to a fantastic party full of people who would not advance your career at all?

I think that people who think they know what they want for the rest of their life are liars. What is the point of thinking of one or two things to spend a whole life striving for?

Life doesn't work like that.  You can't make a list of all the things you want to do in life and start crossing them off thinking that at the end of the crossing off you will be done. That you can settle into your little cave knowing that you 'lived life' (check) and now can have some semblance of comfort and security.

What is your heart telling you?

For the last few weeks in yoga class I tried to feel the Earth under my feet as I normally do.  I couldn't get balance.  I couldn't feel the energy of the class.  Tonight I went to a restaurant with a cobblestone floor and my heart fluttered.

My heart is a chicken. Why did the chicken cross the road? Well, why not?

#1 - Truth

The first time I saw Eat, Pray, Love, it took me a week to get through it. I watched it in pieces, never quite able to believe her adventures. It was the only thing on TV and I put it on in the background while I cleaned the house. I shook my head a lot, looking at my grey curtains and patting myself on the back for purchasing such perfect material to hang on my windows. I could not tell you how it ended.

Today I watched it and wanted to crawl into the TV, curl up and sleep. I didn't have anything to distract me as I glanced at my list and started to think about it. 

This list was supposed to be about truth.  My truth.  The things that I desired to do and see in my life.  The change I wanted to create inside of myself. And that truth is not going to happen if I talk about how I want to donate my clothes or categorize my CD's. 

I fear that someone is not going to like what I say.  That I am going to hurt someone's feelings. My truths are my favourite black and white socks.  They are shoved to the bottom of my sock basket and they don't match any one of my shoes. Every day I sift through the basket and my hand touches my socks and I pause.  I always think that I should buy a pair of shoes that matches them, but I don't.  I'm afraid to wear them you see, I'm afraid to wear them out. 

So this is what I am working on. #1. Tell the truth.