Today is the first day I've felt at home in the 170 days (5 months, 17 days or 4080 hours) I've been back in Canada. Today is the first day that I've felt like really writing anything. It takes time, you know, these things in life - in your life - they take time.
And we all want to be creative people. I mean, we are creative beings. We are all artists. All good art takes time. All really emotional expression takes time. Look at dance. That's not created overnight. Even dancers need a break.
I'm suffering from burnout right now. I've been working 55 hours a week...more really. I don't think my friends understand what that is, I mean, they have families so I think it's normal for them to just be "on" and doing work all day long. So, I'm not complaining. But I am burnt out. Add to that that I've recently injured my legs because I've been training for a 1/2 marathon.... and overtraining. And over working. And over drinking. And really just going overboard.
Because I have been terrified of stopping.
I allow myself to settle for odd moments in my life. When I teach, when I do yoga, when I run. In those moments, I'm "here" - really. But I've filled up my life will "all of the things" because I'm so scared that it will all stop and that I will back to sitting in my lonely apartment watching Netflix. Everyday. Waiting for my life to begin.
It turns out, I'm in the prime of my life. The party is at Casa Stef's house all the time. I have not just sat in my apartment with the music off and a cup of coffee and no plans for people to intrude since I have moved in 49 days (7 weeks or 70, 560 minutes) ago. I don't mean friends coming and going - only a few friends have stopped by. I teach English on Skype and so everyday there are strangers who add energy to my place. They add their thoughts and their expressions.
When I came back I met a lot of people. It turns out that many people my age (the ones without families) have all been through something similar. They've left. Maybe for University, the military, travel, they started their own business. They left the "typical" life for something different. One of my associates (for lack of a better word) told me, "It just takes time in one place."
And another friend of mine and I were looking at all these lofty goals I have for 2015. He told me that you should really stick to the rule of 5 - Choose 5 things and then make sure that they people you meet, the things you eat, the time it takes, all revolve around those 5 things.
Then he added to take a look at your life every month and see where you're putting your efforts in reality. In reality when it shakes out, what are you doing with your heart? With your time? Is your money where your mouth is?
So for the last 49 days I've been spinning. Going. Pushing. Everyday getting up and teaching, prepping, throwing all my papers in a box to be sorted one day. Going to the library to take books out that I haven't read. To rent movies that I haven't seen. Joining WeightWatchers and starting a food blog only to never go to meetings because I'm in class.
Joining more groups and more organizations. Finding Tinder.
What's different about today? Today is the day that I stopped moving. Today is the day that I cancelled my Skype lessons. I had already taken this weekend off. I got up. I made soup. I put my dishes away. I sat in my house. Today is a day of refection.
You see, life comes with choices. This is something that I have never wanted to admit. I want all of the things. I want of the experiences. I want to meet all of the people. I don't want to be left out. Whether you laugh at my typical middle child behaviour or not, it's deeply engrained in my heart. I want it all and I don't want to choose.
However, I realize that there is a freedom in choice. Of things.
You see, many people choose a life. They choose a job they like. They choose a husband. They choose their groceries. They are unhappy - and so there is a particular attitude that comes with life. Being happy with you what you have.
You see, I don't have this problem. My happiness is completely turned on all the time. I am so grateful and happy if I'm grinding my own coffee beans and taking 5 minutes to smell the coffee or if I'm walking up the Great Wall of China. Happiness for me, is not a good indication of if my life is going well, if I'm ok.
I have created a wonderful life. But I'm still running from something. It does take a while to settle.
My travel friend Jannell, who spent a year of her life travelling around the world, told me that it's not enough for you settle. You have to find the pace of the city you're living in. You have to make your own way in that city. This city is my hometown, but I'm seeing it for the first time. I'm talking to the people. I'm doing the things. I have to remember to create the time in my life for me. For reflection.
