#26 Distractions

It's really easy to distract yourself from things that you need to do. Right now, I need to drink a beer. But I won't, because I am trying to rid myself of the awful 3rd day depression that comes from drinking. After my last post, I managed to "just have 3" pretty much all weekend. So really, Sunday was day 1. That was two days ago which means that today and tomorrow are the problem days.

This is the day that has been coined by a friend of mine: the blooze. It's the depression/anxiety/self-talk day that follows the day, that follows the day after drinking. It's the day you don't expect it and thus, it's hard to see the pattern.

It's not getting blacked out drunk that's my problem. It's the steady stream of distraction. It's a few beers everyday or every third day. I even scheduled a private lesson on Wednesday nights in order to get my mid-week buzz. Honestly, that's why I choose Wednesday.

Tuesday would be a better day as I don't have to get up early on Wednesday morning. But, Wednesday is exactly between Sunday and Friday thus, if I have a few, I can maintain that perfect blood to alcohol ratio without tipping anyone off.

My Self is patting me on the back for being so honest, but my Ego is terrified right now. I'm just going to post this anyway, and then see if I can push it out of my memory.

On the same topic, I've just read this article and am still in a little bit of denial that they are talking about me. So I guess if later in life, I go further down the rabbit hole I can say with some certainty that at 29 years old, I saw it coming.

#26 Alcohol

I have a confession.

Alcohol is destroying my life.  It has ruined every relationship that I have had. It has ruined relationships with my family, with my friendships and with my career. It has caused me to make foolish decisions on a whim and justify terrible behaviour.

You may think, nah, it's all in your head. It's true, I don't look like a drunk. Outwardly, I have a professional career, I run a community organization that I have founded, I have good friendships, I cook my own healthy meals. I'm an upbeat, positive person. But there is a difference between someone with an alcohol problem and someone who is a drunk.

Here are some of the ways that it is ruining my life:

Psychologically
Depression has always been at my door, begging to be let in.  I had my first episode (do we say episode) when I was in Jr. High and I spent a month in bed and my dad thought I had Mono. I tried to kill myself. I hid it from my parents. Depression and anxiety and fear from making myself better: choosing the wrong boyfriends, the wrong courses in school, not going to school, dropping out of programs. All this made worse because I choose alcohol to cope with my depression. Because I'd rather spend the day myself with a few bottles of wine and an Ani Difranco album than get out and get out of my head.

Emotionally
I am emotional. I don't mean, crying in the corner at a party with make up running down my face emotional, although it's been known to happen. I mean, I get emotional all week long. When I'm sober. I get needy: I rant to my friends about things in my past and how much of a wreck I am about it all. I need extra love and attention. I feel sorry for myself. I wallow. I get very moody all day long, all week long, one moment I'm up and one moment I'm down. I used to laugh that I was inconsistent, but at least I was consistently inconsistent. This is the alcohol factor.

Physically
Everyone knows that alcohol makes you gain weight. I've had the same "spare tire" for years because of it. But it's not only the weight. I get lethargic. I don't want to go for a walk, I don't want to go for a run. The alcohol makes my body tired. It makes my teeth red and my lips read. I'm not talking about liver and kidney damage, because I can't see that damage even though I know it's there. I'm talking about the life crippling depression that comes along with drinking. I want to spend my life in bed. Since I've a pretty lucid dreamer, I always have an excuse to sleep.


Spiritually
My spiritual journey is not so much a journey. It's the laziest triathlon preparation ever. I swim one day, run the next week and buy a brand new bicycle to ride the bike part. When it gets uncomfortable, I trade. It's not consistent at all, and at this moment, it's intermittent, because when I get close to facing a hard truth about myself I celebrate with a glass of wine and my momentum goes out the window.


Intellectually
It makes my head not work properly. I can't concentrate on things. My attention span becomes that of a Golden Retriever. I can't remember names, new information or dates. And I'm not talking about when I'm on a night out. I'm talking about in general. I'm talking about the Wednesday after I go out on the Sunday when my head is still messed up. I'm talking about not phoning my friends back because I don't remember. I'm talking about being a poor friend because I don't remember. I can't make proper decisions because I'm so emotional and for me, understanding my feelings has been a big time waster in my life, so I waste time on the wrong things.

I've been drinking since I was 15 or 16. Stealing gulps from my dad's liquor cabinet when I was in Jr. high (replacing it with water). But it wasn't until I was 18 that I was drinking every week. Now, at almost 30, and left to my devices, I will drink everyday.

I won't get drunk everyday. I will have a few glasses of wine and get up for work the next day, fighting the desire to have one too many until the weekend. Fighting against myself to get out of bed, get to work and not be around it. But it's enough to have a steady stream into my blood, enough to change my mood, my goals and my head.

So. I'm going to try to go #30dayswithoutAlcohol and let you know how it goes. Maybe I'll be reintroduced to myself again.

How to Build a Happiness Box

Want to be happy? Make yourself a happiness box. It's a box that you can open every time you're feeling down.

How to Build a Happiness Box:

Step 1: Get a box
Step 2: Get some kittens
Step 3: Put the kittens in the box

Finished.

Seems easy enough. So how do we stop the inevitable?  In a few moments your kittens will jump out of the box and climb all over your computer. You will have to feed your kittens, make sure they have water and play with them. Things make you happy for a few moments, but in the end, you end up having to devote your time to take care about them.


You see, we all get down sometimes. We wonder if we're good enough, if we're on the right track. We wonder if we're really happy and if not, usually, we buy things to make us happy. We "deserve" that chocolate croissant or the vanilla ice cream. We say to ourselves, do you know what would make me happy right now? An ice cream. I will go get one.

But happiness indulgence is fleeting. It carries a false sense of accomplishment, just like stuffing kittens into a box, taking a picture of it, and posting it on Facebook (Hey everyone! See what I did!). Because now what? You're back to square one again.

The trick about creating a happiness box, is putting things inside it that are real. Happiness that cannot be stolen from you (like your new bike). Things like: your abilities, your education, the feeling you get when you do a good job, a volunteer experience, and the long road you've come from (not the long road that looms ahead).

Here are some other ideas:

• A member of your family that you like, or hell, your whole family 
• The way the sunlight peeks through the window 
• A cold breeze 
• The fact that you just went on a 5h hike up a mountain 2 days ago 
• An inspirational quote 
• The fact that you can make a loaf of bread by scratch and maybe you should wake up and go do that. 

What is in your happiness box?

#24 The Wolf

I had a strange dream last night. In my dream my brother had visited me and when he was leaving he wrote this on my wall, "When life seems messy, it's just because you're starting something new." 

It took me all day to realize what it meant.

It means that in life, there are things happening all the time, all around you. You start a project, abandon it halfway, get an opportunity, decide to take it, decide against it. Life seems messy sometimes because you have so many options! Doesn't it feel like your own personal buffet? You can take whatever you want, and at the same time.

So where do you go? What do you do? More importantly, how do you stop yourself from getting so overwhelmed?

Sometimes the feeling of regret wafts into my room, I regret roads I didn't take, phone calls I didn't follow up on. I regret staying in bed until mid morning. I regret not going for a run the night before. And these regrets get together and become a giant regret monster that I must tackle... first thing in the morning in order to get out of bed. I haven't even had my coffee yet!

Action is the enemy of regret. Your regret monster will slowly evaporate and all you have to do is... anything.

My life seems messy right now because I'm starting new projects and I have no idea what I'm doing really. I'm just starting to visualize what I want.

The key is action. Cleaning up your thoughts. Cleaning up your room. Cleaning up your emotions. There is so much to do! And you might as well be doing it, because time is moving quickly these days.

I will leave you with this story as a reminder to stop wallowing.

One bright winter day, a young Cherokee was out for a walk with his grandfather.  Pausing to rest against a snowy winter pine, the grandfather looked at his growing grandson.

“A fight is going on inside me,” the wise old Cherokee said. “It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil, unhappy, and ugly. He is anger and greed. He spreads lies and deceit and pain.”

The grandfather paused. Gazing misty-eyed into the sea of trees, he continued.

The other wolf is beautiful and good. He is friendly, joyful, loving, worthy, humble and kind. He spreads inspiration wholeheartedly and has a deep vision beyond ordinary wisdom.  But they are in constant battle with each other.”

Glancing back to the young boy he finished “The same battle is going on inside you, my son, and inside all human beings.”

The boy thought a moment. After a moment, he looked back at his grandfather and asked ” Grandfather, which wolf is going to win?”

The Grandfather smiled and grabbed the boys hand, leading him past the snowy pines.

“Whichever one you feed.”

#23 On Boats

They say that girls mature faster than boys, and I always thought that was really unfair. Why can't we all grow at the same time? And then again, there were girls with boys younger than them and that didn't make sense to me at all.

But recently it's dawned on me. The reason why is because we have different brains. I feel that women are so muddled emotionally, that it takes years to work through all that shit. For me, it took years of self indulgence, years of, I need to record my every thought, say my every thought, have long drawn out cups of coffee and get it all out to realize that I just didn't.

It took spending some time with British people where they scale everything way down. Things aren't awesome and fantastic over on this side of the ocean. Things are good and not bad and not the worst... and that's set a standard to have my emotions cleared away. Stopped me from thinking about things so emotionally and now... I can actually focus on the important things. The things that actually need to be done.

That being said, I still am me. I'm very self indulgent emotionally, I always have been. I've been quite content to sit in my own sadness for months. To make my life into extreme highs and extreme lows in order to feel a sense of accomplishment from the highs.

But now, I'm actually accomplishing things. And it's the funniest thing: I don't feel a need to talk about my emotions anymore or to get it all out.

Moksha Yoga teaches that in order to use Yoga properly you mind calm your mind. But it's impossible, because your mind is the ocean and you're trying to calm the ocean. In order to do this, you reflexively look down... have you ever looked into the ocean? There are fish down there! And sharks! And wonderful coral reefs, all trying to co exist. But to meditate is to be on a boat in the ocean and focus on the boat. Understand that your thoughts will always be there, your emotions. But in the end, you have to accept them as they flutter by and move on. Focus on what's important now.

And this is why boys have it easier. Boys can just be on a boat.

Budapest

There is something stunning about Budapest. It's a really active city for one, meaning that there are always lots of people running or biking, generally having a good time. There are a lot of youths in the city which creates a happy vibe. The city has walk paths beside every main road, even across main bridges... but not only that! The walking paths have biking paths attached as well, with little photos of people holding hands on one side and of people biking on the other. It makes you feel like you don't have to compete with the traffic for your space.

Speaking of space, for a city (and area) of 3.3 million people, I was happily surprised that personal space was respected (not like some countries which will not be named, cough, Italy, cough). Friendliness is definitely an 8 especially with the strange names of places. I asked for directions to the airport, and the response was: take tram 4-6 to Ngygati then take the underground to Kőbánya-Kispest.

You need to keep and eye out on your directions and on the signs, because the place names all start to look alike. I gained new respect for my students, as I think this is what English is for them. Quite overwhelming.

Some of the neighbourhoods were equally confusing, as it's a little strange to be dealing with an alphabet where there is a 0% similarity to English. That being said, not only did people seem to want to stop and give us directions, some of them even walked us a few blocks to our destination happy to use their English.

The city itself has grown from ruins. Many old restaurants in the city centre are made from renovated old buildings. The best bars in town are located in "ruin pubs", old warehouses turned nightclubs where every room has different music playing and a different vibe. Where entry is free and beer is E2. It's a good life, cheap alcohol so that students can have a good time, but plenty of pools and healthy choices as well. I didn't see the rampant homelessness that I see in Canada, as a result of drug dependance and liquor. It just made me interested in how their economy works.

The city has grown from ruin, and I think that's what makes the people so strong and lovely. They have a strong tie to their history and their communities. They know how wonderful their city is. Wikipedia knows it too: It is also ranked as "Europe's 7th most idyllic place to live" by Forbes,^[29] and as the 9th most beautiful city in the world by UCityGuides.^[30] It is the highest ranked Central/Eastern European city on Innovation Cities' Top 100 index. 

Different cities have different vibes. I've heard Venice be described as a ghost town and I can agree. It's a nice place to visit, but no one actually lives there. History has long passed and the same stories are told, and taken home with souvenirs. When you're alone in a small corridor, you can't feel the history, you can just feel the trapped energy of the thousands of tourists just looking for a cold drink.

Turin is a city of busy business people. It's a closed city. Fortunately, since it's the "place of Fiat" it hasn't been hit as hard as some other Italian cities by the recession. People continue to go out at night, walking around the city in their 6 inch high heels and every piece of jewellery they own. People want you to look - but don't touch. Look at the wonderful Italian food, the museums, the family... but don't bring your fare into an old recipe. It is what it is and that's the way it needs to stay. You can visit the museum, but don't bring up another view of history.

But Budapest, it feels like a Canadian city in Europe. It is inclusive and growing. It has reverence for the old, and it's open to ideas on how to update its old buildings and old ideals. Like other European cities, they don't throw anything out, they just find a new way to use it. Also, they just don't give a fuck - as depicted by the photo of the woman in full out thong, tanning on a public fountain, as everyone is sitting around enjoying the music.

#IloveBudapest and I will be going back.

Venice

I never ever thought that I would go to Venice, Italy. For me, it was such a far removed dream from reality, it didn't make the list.

The first thought is that I want you to know, and myself to remember, that anything is possible. Everything is possible. I'm not a rich person. I don't have a trust fund. In fact, I have a lot of debt from my previous relationship. I don't have a car or a house. What I have is a desire to see the world as it is, to do things and to be conscious of people. To be interested in other people and what they want. This goal has allowed me to be more conscious of my compassion, my courage and bring qualities of mine into the forefront. I just want to be joyful. This Venice trip happened because I met a student of mine who wanted me to bring her daughter out of her shell a little and get her comfortable speaking English. They took me to Venice and showed me around and we exchanged life experiences. You can find people like this in your life. You're not alone.

The second thought is that, I have been intentionally cutting things from my list of things to do because I thought they wouldn't happen. Because they wouldn't be possible. Too far away, too expensive, too radical. I remember carefully crafting things for this project, things that I know could be possible. Things that I would have the money to do. But my self conscious had a different plan. It's using a different list. It's by being a little crazy that I have been able to do this.

I feel like some of the decisions that I have been making over the last year aren't coming from me. At times I've felt a little sober, as in, waking up from a hazy night with sunlight streaming in thinking, how did I get to Italy? How am I in Venice? How, how, how...

This How has stopped me from many things in my life. How to pay for school? How to get a dog? How to afford this or that (mostly money). How do I deal with my romantic relationship? How do I cut out dramatic relationships from my life? It's the head thinking. While thinking with your head of course has advantages (like making sure you're not pick pocketed, or planning a budget when you want to buy a house...) sometimes it's full of fear and stops you in your tracks. It starts thinking about the what if's and the how's. Not in a way that's constructive, but in a debilitating way.

The How comes in ways that you cannot see yourself. The How comes from relationships with other people. The kindness of strangers. The How comes from a friend posting a list of places to get free education a few days after you decide that you want to further your education (but how? You have no money.)

I've gotten to know the little person in my heart a lot better. This person is terrifying. It doesn't know the How. It has the potential to get in a whole bunch of trouble and leave me stranded one one day. But, on the other hand, it's never failed. The more I trust it, the more attention I give it, the more I love it, the more we share together.

This person is attached to the universal energy that binds everything. Call it what you want: God, science, matter, electricity... But there is something that connects us. It's the thing that allows animals to know whether to be afraid of you or not. It's the thing that lets grand things happen. It's the thing that lets you have dreams in the first place.

So dream big. Dream of Venice. Don't sell your dreams to someone else because you don't think you can afford them. They will happen in the weirdest, wildest ways if you let them.