#21 You are more than enough

I had a great conversation with one of my friends about kids.

I may have alluded to this. Maybe I've saved all my allusions in drafts that you haven't seen. But today I'm brave, so I'll just tell you. I can't have them. I have some problems.

I had told a friend that I can't have kids. I have (kinda) made peace with this, and he had told me he was heartbroken for me. Then he continued on the path, adding that I could have IVF or adopt if I wanted to. I didn't want to go into it right then, and I don't now. I know he means well. The truth is, I don't want to put myself through a kind of reverse chemotherapy. That's just some emotion, not the point of this post.

My friend is 31 and she's been debating about them. I confessed to her that at one point the thought of having a child was my reason for being.  When the choice was taken away from me, it was a sort of freedom (after painstaking loss). I mean, now, it's a sort of freedom, sometimes.

Sometimes I still have the urge to pick up someone's child when I see that they don't have a hat on or they are being neglected. I think it's the smell of baby powder.

Back to my friend, she realized that she doesn't really want them either, but she feels like she should have them because she "would be" a good mom and she may feel some sense of completeness having a child inside her and caring for it. We as women, have these urges, you know. We're so different from men, even as we're created. We're created with every egg we will ever have in our lives, and we have periods which we have to care for every month! No wonder it's on our minds! But men, they get to be the sperm master. They don't search for completeness. They search for connection.

We are two different sexes, and it's more than we have different gentiles. We have different values ingrained in them and it's difficult to understand.

My friend told me: Just being you, it's more than enough. That's my new mantra.

#20 Don't hold

I think back to my life 5 years ago. Longer. Past that actually. Me at 20. I remember turning 21 and thinking, I haven't accomplished anything. I called my dad and told him about my feeling. He told me not to feel bad, I didn't have goals written down, so therefore I didn't really fail.

I have been feeling like a car in a race, at the starting line for a long time. Engine revved, ready to go, but I couldn't find the start button. I met a man, we moved in together. We loved each other. We got married. And still, the feeling persisted. I thought that having children would be the key. The magical key that would fulfil me on some deep level (or, maybe having a husband who needed care). But it wasn't in the cards. After years of trying, pain, suffering, and yearning together, it just became too difficult. A lot of people would have stayed together through it all, but we cut our losses.

And it was messy. Terrible. Stressful. Hurtful. Heartbreaking. Soul-sucking. It's not easy. It doesn't matter who you are, it's not easy.

In the same way though, we gave each other the greatest gift you could possibly give someone: freedom. I hoped that he eventually gets his family. He hoped that I got my freedom.

For me, vowing that I would care for someone for the rest of my life and then breaking that vow has changed me. I take my word more seriously now. I am early to everything. I don't mince words. I don't exaggerate. When I say I will do something, I do it. It doesn't matter if it's rainy or snowing or -46 outside, I do it. I listen more, I talk less. I don't have to really explain how much it's changed me, but anyone who knows me, really knows me, can tell.

Fast forward to now.

Fast forward to goals.

I'm teaching. I have the gift of students. I have the gift of writing for a magazine. I have the gift of connecting to friends. I have so many gifts in my life that I am overwhelmed. I am. I feel like, through letting go. Through really letting go, that I have been able to connect with this part of myself who is forgiving and ambitious and on time. All the things I had wanted to be when I was a child.

My advice from this experience is: Don't hold tight to security. Let go. Do something crazy. Take a dream you've always had and take the first 3 steps. You will be amazed at your own capabilities and this will create the momentum to move you forward. Don't worry about the money, about the connections. Don't worry about the plan. Just start moving.