#13 Time

Last night I had a dream that I was driving with good friend of mine who I had lost touch with.

I was giving directions on a road that we had travelled many times.

In my head, it was the first times and I made my first time jokes.

This person wasn't impressed. "We took this road together all the time".

But I didn't remember. Hazy memories maybe, faded, I had to pull them up.

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#12 The truth about relationships

My intention was never to be here when I set off. As much as people have said, "well you've hinted". Or, well, "I knew you were going to do that because of the way your eyes twitched a little too much when you said the words". Or, "this was all planned and calculated simply because you are still moving forward and have not collapsed". (I have). I didn't draw it out to be like this and then follow a map to the end. I had no idea that it would be this.  I plead the 5th.

"This simply isn't good enough! Who are you to trade your life like Pokemon cards? How is that fair or just or considerate of the human race's rules? There must be some underlying factor, some traumatic event that happened to start all this.  It just doesn't add up."

To that I say, maybe we are just using the wrong science. Instead of maths, maybe we should take a look at chemistry.

Have you ever filled up a bowl with water and put 2 drops of ink inside and watched what happens?



You can do nothing to stop the blue from permeating the water.

The water will never be clear again.

A few months ago, one of my best friends announced that he was separating from his wife. They had been married less than 2 years.

I promptly wanted nothing to do with him or his wife. I told him there was no excuse for that. He should have done more work. He should have read more books.  He's smart, well-educated, connected. How could he not know what he was getting himself into? Didn't he know that marriage was a virtue?

Oh, and what about the children?


In the end, they sorted things out. He made peace with the changed water. He liked how his kids smiled at him.  He liked how his fishbowl looked in a certain kind of light. The colours came together and they look pretty together.

My fishbowl isn't pretty.  That's not just being vain and it not being good enough or what I expected.  As if I was some child who was disappointed in a Christmas present. No matter how many conversations, counselling, really listening (as opposed to fake listening), trying harder, being patient, being better somehow... something that we're not, is going to change that.  The water changed and neither one of us liked what it became.

No one would ask you to wear a sweater you hated every single day for the rest your life because you took it home from the store.  You wouldn't tell someone to undo the thread and make a vest with it, just because that thread was once really beautiful.  Holes in it from here or there are fine to patch up. A zipper, some buttons and clasps.  But not the whole thing.

I've been debating about posting this because at the end of the day it really is no one's business.  But part of this project is being truthful and being open and honest.

I looked up virtues.  There are 130.  Marriage is not one.


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#11 Loss

If I could teach a child anything about love, it is that you will lose it. It could be in the form of a favourite toy left at the school yard, a best friend going to another class, or a great love. You will never get away from this, no matter how old you are or how much you try.

That uncomfortable heartbreak feeling that you get when you lose something.  This is an emotion that we like to hide in our North American society.  We cry behind closed doors.  We cry in the bath.  We don't understand grief.  We're taught that it will go away. Does anger ever go away?  Happiness? Joy? Heartbreak? no.  They are always with you, and you need to cope.

Everyone deals with loss differently.  Some people throw themselves into work.  They plan.  They organize papers, maybe even a great adventure.  Other people lie face down in their covers and stop going to work. They drink.  They don't eat. They don't call their friends.

I am a planner. I am a fixer. I like to give advice. I like to throw myself into projects and do things.  This allows me to feel like I'm in control.  This allows me to accomplish.  I feel proud of myself and I think, why didn't I do these things a long time ago? I glow. On the outside, I look happy. I look free. I run on adrenaline.

But as much as you try, you can't organize yourself out of mourning.

Grief will still come for you.  You will meet her in the middle of the afternoon one day when you're on the phone with the bank. You will be on hold and then a song will play in the background, and even though you have never heard it before you will smile slightly at a stupid lyric and then someone else's smile will pop into your head and then you will hear their laughter. And you will realize that you had almost forgotten the sound.  You will be paralyzed, unsure whether to hang up the phone and wait for another 30 minutes or take your chances that you will have to wait another 10 for the representitive. You will try to distract yourself with math equations and statistics.  But you don't stand a chance.  She will find a way down the sides of your face and from your heart, and you will hope that the person on the other line just thinks that sobbing is your regular speaking voice.

You will read all the articles. You will listen to a great song.  You will fill your time with friends and family and laughter, drinking wine until you fall asleep.  You will go back and forth in your mind justifying and bargaining and wishing that you both were the people you want to be. Then you will find the one song that you feel exactly defines you in this moment in time and you will listen to every day.  Then the next, and the next.  Then all the songs. Until Justin Bieber starts sounding good.

Don't be surprised when it hits you in the middle of sunny day, when you're finally by yourself, just walking home.

I remember when my brother was little, he had bear.  He loved this bear.  I bet you that he could remember its name, although I can't. We forgot it at the park one day, and by the time we realized and had gone back for it, it was gone.  I remember talking about lost things with my brother when we were teens and he sighed and looked sad and forlourn and told me that he still remembered this bear.  I was surprised, you see.  I didn't think that the bear meant that much to him. I didn't think that he would have remembered.

But we remember.

We have to.  We have to hold onto these things, at least partly, so that when grief slips her fingers into ours as we are crossing the street, we are not overcome with emotion hunched over by the traffic lights.  We must think, oh yes, I remember you.  I remember you when I lost my teddy bear.  I remember you when I lost my grandfather.  I remember you when I lost my high school sweetheart. I remember you when I lost my best friend.

My mom always told me that life is change. How well you succeed in your life relates to how you accept the changes that occur (whether you are the creator or not). Some people carry around all their memories and all their hurt and pain in order to protect themselves from these changes.  They pack these pillows around themselves just in case they fall one day, in order to recognize Grief with binoculars when she comes from miles away.  This is called baggage.  It won't protect you.  It's just heavy on you, and on the people around you because they are always walking around it.

You need to move carefully with loss. Recognize her.  She will check in on you from time to time just to make sure you are still alive. Greet her as a friend, give her a moment, and keep on walking.

#10 Do. Believe people who do.

Everyone has heard the old adage, actions speak louder than words. Have you ever thought about what that means?

When we learn how to speak, it's a huge milestone in our lives. We are taught to repeat, repeat, repeat. Red, round, ball. We value words. We tell our friends we love them. They repeat these words back to us.

We live in a written world. From texts to advertisements and commercials to contracts and forms, we are taught to value the written word. We are handed promises by companies showing us what our life could be like with them. Our eyes widen and we stare at the glossy magazine pages with the hope that we could be that beautiful.

We go to meetings and write 160 emails a day that convey exactly what we want to say. Many of these could even include a well intended, we should have coffee soon, except we never do.

We are slutty.

We give it up so easily! A few written promises, a few whispers of I love you in the dark. But really, look around, it's how we are programmed. It's how our lives are rewarded.

Someone says I love you and you're supposed to repeat it. That's what you and I were trained for.

But in reality, actions are what counts in our lives. Actions aren't given awards, actions aren't really remembered for weeks. Actions are the bricks that your house should be built on. Words and phrases are all the Ikea stuff inside. Promises are your new kitchen renovation.

Think about whether you do or if you talk about things you're going to do. Fight for people who do the same.





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#9 Breathe

Once of the most important things to master in life in breathing. 

It sounds simple, but it's not. 

As a child you are slowly taught how to speak.  You make sounds and those sounds are celebrated.  You make small words and the people around you light up with joy.  You are slowly forming sentences and your parents take you around their work to show off your skills. 

No one teaches you how to breathe.  

You need to do it immediately and you need to figure it out fast. 

Sure, you can go to classes if you really want.  Yoga is amazing and powerful in this way.  But, if you're not so inclined, you don't have to.  

You can live your whole life not knowing how to breathe.  

Breathing is the most important thing you can do for yourself. 

Take a second now and practice. 

1. Close your eyes and imagine being on a warm beach 

2. Breathe in and while you do, imagine that you can smell salt water and suntan lotion (5 seconds)

3. Breathe out and while you do, imagine that you have warm sun on your skin (5 seconds) 

4. Breathe in and while you do, imagine that you can hear children playing (5 seconds)

5. Breathe out and while you do, imagine that all the tension is slowly leaving your shoulders (5 seconds)

6. Breathe in and while you do, imagine that all the tension is slowly melting off your back (5 seconds)

7. Breathe out and while you do, imagine that all the tension is slowly melting off your neck (5 seconds)

8. Breathe in and while you do, expand your stomach to make the biggest stomach possible (5 seconds) 

9. Hold this breath and give your stomach positive self talk 

10. Breathe out and while you do, let the breath sink slowly out of your belly (5 seconds) 

Tell me how it goes. 

Did you visualize a red ball anywhere there?