#38 Back to the beginning

I was reflecting on my crazy journey the other day, in particular about living in Italy at 30 years old. Part of me was lamenting that I feel too old to be an English teacher in a different country. Maybe if I were 24 years old I would be more social, more outgoing, and have really soaked up every minute of my experience here.

This, unfortunately, is my monkey mind at its best; always trying to live in some world that doesn't exist. Because in reality, at 24 years old, I was not one of the outgoing writers on Thought Catalogue, I was a shy, bossy, moody bunch of feelings with not enough balls to quit a job that I hated and to face people who had been bullying me at work. At 18 years old, I wanted to take off and go to Europe to teach ESL. I would spend years walking past a sign on Whyte ave which advertised TESOL classes and a chance to live in India, or Indonesia. I was too scared to go and I told myself that it wasn't for me. I wasn't the kind of hippie person who looked good in flowing skirts and print pants.

But yet, at 30, I'm here. I'm not teaching hippie-love-in classes (yes, that was my idea of ESL teachers at the time) on the ground somewhere in India. I'm teaching at professional companies. This is not something I could have been able to do at 18. 19. 20. But it's 10 years later and I suddenly realized that I am fulfilling a dream that I had put in a cupboard and forgotten about. Life is funny like that.

All these great things are happening and my monkey mind is telling me that it's not enough and too much all at the same time. That I need to make a new bucket list, and that I need to cross examine my life's goals, and make a 10 year plan all at the same time. That I should be both sitting down to write this, and running around the block preparing for a 5km run. Life, on the other hand is slow.  This is something that adults know. Take your time. Look in your heart for a dream.

My monkey mind and I are afraid that we will run out of dreams. That, having accomplished everything on our list, we will have nothing else to want and then we will fall into a deep depression.

But today, I discovered that houses are being printed with a 3D printer. So calm down monkey mind, there will still be all sorts of dreams for you to worry about.