#48 Stress ball

I’m working on too many projects and I need to cut my time back. I’m really stressed out. I know that my friend was joking around about my inability to make decisions over the weekend, but that’s one of the symptoms of stress. I also haven’t been sleeping well and my eating habits have fallen off – I’ve been eating that extra meal after my evening lessons.

I’ve set this pace where I want to do everything: yoga, salsa, running, social life, volunteering, teaching, working my day job, writing, boyfriend, company, editing, training, courses, reading and that start-up business I’m working on. I have a lot of deadlines coming up because it’s my end of semester.

I keep telling myself that I need to do more – that people with kids and families can do it all so why can’t I? (This thought pattern is also a symptom of stress in itself). I don’t want to fail at all my projects. I have ridiculously high standards.

I’m talking to a counselor about it tomorrow afternoon. I feel this fear that if I don’t stop moving, I’m going to fall into bad habits and I want to talk to him about how to manage my time more efficiently.

I wanted to get into a course called Mind Over Mood, that was cancelled because of lack of interest, but I bought the book it was based on and I'm trying to do the work. I am going to bring it to the counselor tomorrow and try to work through it with her. This is the first time I've done counselling where I'm not just saying - I'm a mess, fix me - I actually feel like I have something solid to say. I hope that will make the difference. 

I got an email from my ex-husband that threw me for a loop and sent me spinning down a rabbit hole over the last few days - coupled with it being too cold to run.  I’m just so angry. I don’t think I really allowed myself to be angry – I didn’t want to carry resentfulness and hurt around in my life. I didn't want to be "that woman" who was just bitter. But thinking about it makes my heart palpitate. Thinking about him makes me so angry I want to scream. It was so cold and gross this weekend that instead, I sat at home, redecorated my house, and spent too much money on take out. Then I feel guilty for taking it out on myself and disrespecting myself like that. 

When I called the support line I was trying to tell the girl about my problem. I said, "I'm so happy, I'm doing everything I want, but I'm not managing to have time to be creative, to see my friends, I'm drinking alone in my house, I'm missing lessons and appointments" - She says, "maybe you're not actually doing the things you want." 

Which also made me upset. Because I feel like I am. But I'm not doing enough. I should be writing more, exercising more, eating more healthy foods, preparing more, sleeping more, talking to my friends more, having more friends, better connections, writing letters, sending presents. I have this typical North American attitude of: if a little is good for you then more must be better. 

I feel resentful when someone talks to me about balance. My friends throw platitudes my way like,  "take time for yourself" which I think is ridiculous because I feel like I've designed my life so that it's mine all the time. "My time" is in front of the class. It is when I'm at work with students. It is when I'm editing. I've managed to get paid for all the things I love to do, so there is no separation between me and my work. 

And that's ok with me. 

We tend to think that as human beings we are far removed from our environments - like there is "us" and then the Earth. But we are our environment. When people detach from it, that's when it causes problems. When people say, "I'm going to put in my 8 hours at work and then go home and watch TV to detach" - what are you detaching from? You're still in your life. 

I did a happiness quiz at work. I'm 100% happy. I'm slowly doing all the things I want to do. I need more direction in setting goals so that I know when I've accomplished the things I want to do. I need someone to help me find balance and not get so overwhelmed that I will fail. That I won't be able to continue this pace.