#26 Alcohol

I have a confession.

Alcohol is destroying my life.  It has ruined every relationship that I have had. It has ruined relationships with my family, with my friendships and with my career. It has caused me to make foolish decisions on a whim and justify terrible behaviour.

You may think, nah, it's all in your head. It's true, I don't look like a drunk. Outwardly, I have a professional career, I run a community organization that I have founded, I have good friendships, I cook my own healthy meals. I'm an upbeat, positive person. But there is a difference between someone with an alcohol problem and someone who is a drunk.

Here are some of the ways that it is ruining my life:

Psychologically
Depression has always been at my door, begging to be let in.  I had my first episode (do we say episode) when I was in Jr. High and I spent a month in bed and my dad thought I had Mono. I tried to kill myself. I hid it from my parents. Depression and anxiety and fear from making myself better: choosing the wrong boyfriends, the wrong courses in school, not going to school, dropping out of programs. All this made worse because I choose alcohol to cope with my depression. Because I'd rather spend the day myself with a few bottles of wine and an Ani Difranco album than get out and get out of my head.

Emotionally
I am emotional. I don't mean, crying in the corner at a party with make up running down my face emotional, although it's been known to happen. I mean, I get emotional all week long. When I'm sober. I get needy: I rant to my friends about things in my past and how much of a wreck I am about it all. I need extra love and attention. I feel sorry for myself. I wallow. I get very moody all day long, all week long, one moment I'm up and one moment I'm down. I used to laugh that I was inconsistent, but at least I was consistently inconsistent. This is the alcohol factor.

Physically
Everyone knows that alcohol makes you gain weight. I've had the same "spare tire" for years because of it. But it's not only the weight. I get lethargic. I don't want to go for a walk, I don't want to go for a run. The alcohol makes my body tired. It makes my teeth red and my lips read. I'm not talking about liver and kidney damage, because I can't see that damage even though I know it's there. I'm talking about the life crippling depression that comes along with drinking. I want to spend my life in bed. Since I've a pretty lucid dreamer, I always have an excuse to sleep.


Spiritually
My spiritual journey is not so much a journey. It's the laziest triathlon preparation ever. I swim one day, run the next week and buy a brand new bicycle to ride the bike part. When it gets uncomfortable, I trade. It's not consistent at all, and at this moment, it's intermittent, because when I get close to facing a hard truth about myself I celebrate with a glass of wine and my momentum goes out the window.


Intellectually
It makes my head not work properly. I can't concentrate on things. My attention span becomes that of a Golden Retriever. I can't remember names, new information or dates. And I'm not talking about when I'm on a night out. I'm talking about in general. I'm talking about the Wednesday after I go out on the Sunday when my head is still messed up. I'm talking about not phoning my friends back because I don't remember. I'm talking about being a poor friend because I don't remember. I can't make proper decisions because I'm so emotional and for me, understanding my feelings has been a big time waster in my life, so I waste time on the wrong things.

I've been drinking since I was 15 or 16. Stealing gulps from my dad's liquor cabinet when I was in Jr. high (replacing it with water). But it wasn't until I was 18 that I was drinking every week. Now, at almost 30, and left to my devices, I will drink everyday.

I won't get drunk everyday. I will have a few glasses of wine and get up for work the next day, fighting the desire to have one too many until the weekend. Fighting against myself to get out of bed, get to work and not be around it. But it's enough to have a steady stream into my blood, enough to change my mood, my goals and my head.

So. I'm going to try to go #30dayswithoutAlcohol and let you know how it goes. Maybe I'll be reintroduced to myself again.